full
i am full of good
food. someone has got
to stop me from
fine dining. i keep going
out for omakase. i keep risking
diarrhea for sea urchin. i don’t think
it’ll ever beat the first time
i had it and my head spun. a lot like sex
except really with the whole first time thing
closer to masturbating. except really
sex is far more expensive than what i’ve been spending
on dinner and masturbating
is free. i think if i just let myself
mess up the sheets or shoot
on the floor i would enjoy cumming
a whole lot more. versus the whole
low key edging thing i do where i try
to hold all my stuff inside my foreskin.
when i first discovered
masturbating, i would do it every night. now
not so much. i barely even enjoy getting off
with partners involved. i can’t stop blowing my
cash on some of the most expensive sushi money
can buy. my bathroom is not
connected to my room so lately
instead of letting it out
into the toilet i’ve been dripping my cum
into a sock. i once masturbated inside
a one-stall museum bathroom
when i got horny around lunchtime. i once got dinner
with a friend that cost $204
with the tip. i went to dinner alone again
tonight. i almost gave the waitress
my number
birdpoem
i’ve said so many times how
i want to be a bird, but what i
really mean is that i want
to be free of my body. of the earth
which holds me down. to get away
from all this. my body is not who i am.
my name is not who i am. there are
no portals into my soul, but this
body is the only
tool with which i might
connect with others.
immaculate conception
i think the place i stopped for pizza and a mocktail before the movie actually served me a cocktail. i feel flushed and upset in my body. nic and i are going on a trip together next week and i can’t wait. nic sent me a poem during class today about wanting to be inside me with my legs wrapped around them. i think i’m going to ask them if they want to bring their strap to shenandoah, or at least over to my place friday night. when i sent alexis the vacation poem she said i should call it “nic and i plan a honeymoon.” last session my therapist told me if i want to be more present i need to attend to the parts that are pulling me away from the moment. right now, watching drive-away dolls at amc fashion district by myself, i think i want to be a little more sober. to be fertile enough for nic to knock me up.
