When I take
Adderall I feel
connected to
my dad,
who takes it too,
although
I haven’t told him
we have this
in common
because I’m scared
he will judge me
or feel sorry
that I’m like him.
When you orgasm
around my hand
I feel connected
to you.
Yesterday,
you said Sometimes
I get so excited
it feels a little
bit like panic
‍and I nodded
and wanted
to say something
but didn’t.
I don’t know,
I just feel
like there’s soft dirt
at the bottom
of this river
and I love
stepping into it
together—
or even
not quite together,
like the way
I felt connected
to Henri Cole
when I first read
his poem
“Beach Walk”
(we fall,
we fell,
we are falling)
on the computer
in my cubicle
at my internship
in college,
and I thought
I don’t want
to spend my days
in an office.
‍Anyway, I do
spend my days
in an office now
and I read
Henri Cole
at night sometimes
and I love
making you cum
more than almost
anything
and I’m talking
to my dad
on Zoom later—
he’s getting surgery,
I’m scared,
and there’s a lot
we haven’t said.